This was my Life, This was my Fate, This was my Life, This was my FATE



Umm, where to start... life's not all that bad, a lil bit of depression here, a lil bit of happiness there, a lot of depression somewhere else, but overall not that bad.. I mean granted it could be better, its because of a problem that should solve itself soon enough, or so I hope. Anyway, onto the more positive aspect of this all I am completely done with summer school (Thank the Gods & Goddesses :) ), I finished off with a 77 on my mid- term plus an 83 on my final (which could have been better I might add, but I was lazy) and I took the regents earlier today and my teacher looked over the part II's and said I did pretty well, all in all not so bad. I hung out w/ jove and bunch last night, they're going away soon, which is interesting to see how stuff's going to go I guess... I dunno, everything interests me on some level or another... ok well maybe not everything... so yeah, all I've got to complain about are certain people showing up at my house unanounced (very annoying) and not having seen or talked to hannah in a long time, which sux and thats about it for now I suppose... there's more actually, but I've shared enough...

Hmm, I haven't ranted about life in a while so i guess I may as well. Um yeah, barely know what to say cuz I'm kinda tired right now, but basically life's not going all that bad... I'm passing summer school and have little chance of failing at this pt. which is a good thing and its over in about a wk. or two and then school starts shortly after that Hannah and I have been dating for almost 5 months, which is absolutely amazing to me and um, yeah that sounds about it... later...

Hmm, lots new, but busy doing other stuff so I'm not gonna spend to much time on this. Basically, I lost my disk the other day and wound up pretty depressed about it, but then got it back :), so I've been doing a lot more work with the webpage now, which is a good thing in my book, although to be honest, I'm kinda unsure if anybody even looks at this webpage, but I suppose even if they didn't it's been my work for over a year and a half now I'm not going to stop just because people aren't looking at it, its still my chosen form of self-expression. Anyway, beyond that, I've had school so even though i have been working on the site some more, I haven't been able to as much as I'd like. In addition, math sux, but AP Academy is pretty fun and Hannah's back home now, which is pretty kool, so hopefully I'll get to see her soon... thats about it, for now anyway.

Um, yeah, sry about that insanely insanely long rant That I just left for any who actually bothered reading that... just needed to get some stuff out... anyway, I think I'm mostly over the whole "I failed the physics regents" thing and dealing with pride (ya know, this is the last thing i'd expect to be hearing from me, but recently I've been growing to really dislike emotions....), anyway, um yeah, whatever. Guess I'm gonna have to take physics in summer/night school depending on what the fuck my schedule turns out to be for the summer.. but watever, thats all.. sry for the insane amt. to read... I know it's summer and that you're not supposed to use your brain during summer (wow I'm really not American am I?)

Oh gods, just so, so much to complain about... I don't even like complaining that much, in fact I tend to get rather sick of it most of the time since I do it so often, but right now I just really can't help it at all... I need a fucking place or medium or whatever to just fucking vent and get rid of all my frustrations and all this (random?) negative energy and emotion thats been building up inside of me the last couple of days. So weird too b/c Samer did a Tarot reading on me and predicted exactly that, that is to say he predicted I was goign to be having a lot of random outbursts of negative energy. I couldn't see it at the time and then it all hit me... but anyway on a more tangible note... it's a day or two after the physics regents... maybe even a few days at this point and well, basically 68% of New York State failed the Physics Regents and 25% of NRHS failed it as well. Now prior to hearing that, I honestly beleived that I had done rather well on the physics regents getting at the least a 70 (I know that's technically not well even on my standards, but we'll ignore that for the moment...) anyway, I have no idea what I got though I'm guessing it was a barely failing type of grade... I hate those. But yeah, anyway that's hit me rather hard for a couple of reasons... mostly pride-based I suppose... probably not something most people expect to hear out of me or something they expect me to have a reason to deal with, which makes sense because pride really isn't an emotion I'm fond of at all and because most of the people I'm friends with now I only met last year and my grades have been rather poor since 8th grade, so they are more or less accustomed to my grades and school related problems. However this is where the whole pride thing comes in... not really anything that I've exactly explained to anybody before either, probably because it was just something that I figured I would push to the side so that I didn't have to deal with it... but um yeah, simply put it's kind of hard knowing or having always known that you are rather intelligent and having good reason to believe this and always being classified as below average intelligence, or a more applicable example would be having the potential to do at least as good if not better than all the other participants at something, but scoring as close to the lowest as actually possible. I mean I suppose this wouldn't be a problem if it happened once in a while or even if I could find a way to fix it or what was causing it in the first place, but no matter what I have never been able to solve this problem. No matter what whenever I try at anything that I really care about and put all I have into that something the end result is always the same... I fail, and not just fail, but fail miserably ... and thats where the pride kicks in... I'm going to assume that anyone reading this has a decent understanding of how pride works, well basically when manipulated in such a way, pride leads to anger, which then in turn leads to one of two things: either I hurt others or I hurt myself. I'm now going to assume that anybody reading this also knows me well enough to know that I really try not to hurt other people (with some exceptions) and generally if given a choice will hurt myself... And so it occurs... It's just sorta like one really big pool of negative energy thats feeding off of itself and I know thats really really not good, but I can't say that I honestly know what to do about any of this... but yeah, either way the overall pt. to this (and I seem to have lost myself slightly) is that at the moment I'm feeling a bit down and not doing too well and my entire life I've always felt like I've never accomplished what I've actually wanted to accomplish and that I've always fallen short and have had major problems dealing with this for my entire life too, which is a big part of the reason I really don't like competition at all... so yeah, I've lost myself again, so if anyone has any suggestions or feels they can help me, I'm currently more than open to it as long as you don't happen to have a degree in psychology... then I won't trust you....

Hmm, I am almost tempted to babble on forever and ever and ever, but I'm not going to... So far Computer Programming is coming along pretty well. I am teaching myself C++ and reteaching myself HTML. I am reteaching myself HTML because I never fully learned it and it's been updated excessively since I first learned it and thus figured I would learn all the new stuff 'bout it... anyway, thats about it... bye now.

hmm, just thought I would throw in for any who didn't know that im a vegetarian now.. ok bye

Shit... doesn't this ever just leave me?! I'm starting to get a bit worried at this point, seeing as I've been pretty depressed for the last 3 or 4 days and really don't see my life getting any better and I dunno, I'm really worried about me and how to keep myself from staying depressed and well my school grades mostly suck right now, my home is getting progressively worse and that is progressing towards the hell I knew and lived through last year... so If I seem angry or just kinda overall bitchy, that's the reason why... if you think you have an idea of what threw me off the path of emotional stability, or how to throw myself back on... please, please help me!!

yet again, another non-angsty/complainy one... short probably too, um basically wanted to say happy birthday once again to aries and that I haven't gotten u anything yet due to not knowing what to get u as with anyone else who this occurred with, I will get you something when I can find something to get... um beyond that, I had a lot of fun at party and as far as I know no one was depressed at any pt. in it which is rather rare, especially considering that usually turns out to me... so yeah, um basically, me say thank you to all for having fun and letting me have fun

um, wow... this is going to be a change from my usual angst-filled pissed off comments. Um, basically in short as far as my life goes its not at all that bad right now... um, basically school's coming along alright... it could be better and there's stuff about it that's really bothering me and that no matter how hard I try I can't seem to fix the stuff I'm trying to fix... its really not fair at all... anyway, off of the complainy note, um yeah beyond that... the apocalypse is here (yay!!) and I've gotten the girl I like to actually like me back and admit to it... those have to be 2 of the most impossible things to do with girls, lol...yeah, i think thats all I'm going to put down for now...

I want to say thank you too Nina for having a pow-wow and inviting me, thank you to my friends for making it fun, and all. And beyond that I just want to say this in response to anybody who either is going to or has asked about why me and hannah were under the blanket or something along those lines... very simple concept she was cold and light was bothering her, I may/may not have been cold, don't remember light was bothering me, blanket blocked out the light... Nuff said

If you have any suggestions for this page or just wanna talk to me feel free to im me either at agnosticopiate, or email me at hackedprogrammer2@yahoo.com